Comparing bonfires to wine

There are many interesting comparisons between a glass of vintage wine and a satisfying bonfire. When assessing either pleasure many properties should be taken into account. These include body, colour, structure, shape, ageing, aroma and finish.

The body of both can vary between rounded and thin; colour gives an indication of the potential pleasure, pale green to deep purples in the case of wine and deep green to dark brown with bonfires. The structures can be open or closed while the shapes should be well-rounded. Ageing of wine is measured in years while that of bonfires is calculated in days and weeks. Aroma is a vital quality of both wine and bonfires, the difference being that, in the case of wine, it is assessed at the start of the tasting while the bonfire’s olfactory pleasures develop later. The finish of a wine describes the length of time that the taste stays on the palate while that of the bonfire stimulates the nose and the eyes. A well-finished bonfire should satisfy the nose with a soft drifting smoulder without any acidity and please the eye with a feather-soft circular pillow of light grey ash.

The creation of wine and bonfires starts with the harvest. Nature requires the physical removal of the grapes from the vine but, for a bonfire, she asks nothing more than a rubbish collection. There are many thousands of grape varieties while there are millions of potential bonfire elements. Most grapes become useless as they die back and rot whereas the opposite is true of a satisfying bonfire. In both cases wet socks should be avoided. The combination of grape varieties by the cellar master is matched by that of the bonfire constructor. The Shiraz grape will lend an aura of smokiness to a red wine while a small proportion of green vegetation creates a soul-satisfying white smoke at the height of the fire. Small amounts of tannin may improve a number of wines but they are essential to a good bonfire.

Both viticulture and bonfire creation start very simply. One with the simple addition of yeast and the other by the use of a single match. Both develop with time. The descriptions of both include the terms ‘dry’ and ‘sweet’. The best sweet bonfires are made with fruit wood such as apple. The colour of wine comes largely from the grape skins while the brighter colours of the fire are augmented by some metallic papers.

Ageing is essential to the quality of the end product. Young wines are often thin and lack character while green bonfires are rarely satisfying.

Oenology is the study of wine while the accomplished creator of a great bonfire is prosecuted as an arsonist. Perhaps the study of bonfires should be called hephiastology after the Greek god of fire, Hephiastos.